Help I’m In A Verbally Abusive Marriage

Dear Sara,

I’ve been a stay at home Mom since my first baby was born ten years ago. My two boys are eight and ten and I have enjoyed being a full time Mom. My husband has been really critical of me lately calling me a “fat slob” and lazy. My boys are old enough to be aware of his disrespect and I worry about it as much for their sake as for mine. I could get a job but I feel I’m needed more at home. What should I do? – Jo Ellen


Jo Ellen,

Nobody should be disrespected so you are right to be concerned about it. I wondering why you don’t seem to be angry about this. What is your husband’s agenda here? Does he feel better by belittling you? Are you in a financial bind where he feels overwhelmed and needs help? Is he concerned about your weight and wants you to look better and be healthier?
Let your husband know how you feel and see if you can determine what his motive is for disrespecting you. If he can tell you what the problem is then you can work things out together. If he can’t be respectful then you may need some professional counseling to work things out. If he won’t go with you then go on your own. Don’t let this go on until your self esteem is in the toilet. -Sara

11 Replies to “Help I’m In A Verbally Abusive Marriage”

  1. Women are often financially dependent upon their husbands. Sounds like a man who is just as unhappy as she must be. Making fun of people is for bullies. Wonder if he was always like that but just not as biting. Long story, see a counsellor, and so on. The short stick is do things together. Talk, what are you happy about, unhappy about, what do you think are the solutions? Get out and enjoy time together. Look your best, feel your best.

  2. Find out why the husband is being disrespectful? Doesn’t matter as there’s no reason/excuse for anyone being subjected to that kind of treatment.

    The guy is a jerk who can’t handle his own emotions. Controlling his wife obviously makes him feel in control. Don’t walk away dear lady. Run like hell. Get this guy out of your life and move on.You’ll be amazed at how good your emotional freedom will feel. Life’s too short to spend even a minute with an abusive idiot.

  3. This guy is a bum, she has taken care of his and the kids butt for years, if will not show her love and respect, Then Honey pack you trash and leave to take care of the house and kids.

  4. Sometimes when the route of life changing between couples things change faster than before as the woman not used to that amount of stress as the husband around that much longer hours in the house also that happened to the wife …it’s tempreroy and tempting annoying ..and actually that what is married ppl about
    There is no real problem her ..it’s a random and always like this …there is no agenda ..cause all the mother’s forget them selves among daily life duties and responsibilities …both are mistaken ..no need to take sides …just work it out between each other ..do tell no one what is going on between each other …examine luv

  5. VERBALLY ABUSIVE HUSBANDS ARE SOMETIMES THAT WAY BECA– USE OF A DEFICIENCY IN THEIR OWN CHARACTER/SEXUAL INABILITY/FEELINGS OF INFERIORITY FOR SOME REASON. IT ISN’T EASY TO GET BACK INTO SHAPE PARTICULARLY WITH MORE AHN ONE CHILD. CO– USELING MIGHT HELP. IF IT DOESN’T I’D SUGGEST DIVORCE. OBTW, COULD THERE BE SOMEONE ELSE IN THE “PICTURE” WITH HIM. KEEP A GOOD EYE OUT FOR ANY SIGNS. DIVORCE CAN BE VERY EXPENSIVE FOR A MAN. IF HE GETS TOO VITROLIC, I’D REMIND HIM OF THAT.

  6. There are many working moms, which takes high energy and organization, if you can do it all. If you’ve been down and neglectful of yourself, your home and the boys, it is unsettling. There has to be someway to rekindle his fondness for you, but you need to show him, that you respect yourself. If he’s under pressure, as we all are, you need to find ways to clear the air, and reach a decision, if you need to work. Your boys are getting older, and will soon find new game interests. When churches open up, I wonder, what you think about attending a local church, of your faith. In some churches you feel welcome right away, and others take time, so maybe the boys will find a place to belong too. It’s a much needed outreach, to pull you actively, if possible out of the narrow world in which, you feel trapped. It’s hard to determine the source of his verbal abuse, because there are so any things to consider. Are you taking care of yourself, or has he degraded you into self neglect. Show him you respect yourself, and I would be direct in saying how hurtful, his comments are. If you take in the verbal abuse, without response, he assumes it’s okay. Another issue, is whether he’s drinking or taking pills that affect his disposition? If there’s more behind the scenes, consult with someone, but if he becomes physically abusive, then choices have to be made for your safety and the boys. Sometimes, a partner is unhappy with themselves, their life and try to find excuses or justify their behavior. But try to keep your dignity and self respect. Remind yourself, that God loves you, which fills the void and makes the battle easier. Because you can pray, read the Bible and find the wisdom to deal with all the issues in life. Especially, new ones as the boys get older. May God bless you.

  7. Dear joe
    Sara is right on and a suggestion from myself might be helpful as i feel you may be lacking in your self awareness and maybe are to complacent and may not realize it. Your husband may be trying to get this across in his way which may not be perfect as he may feel you are not the same person he married . I put your myself in your place and would make an effort to take more concern about what i could do to change what i am not happy about within myself and do something to correct it. maybe 1st make appointment with a counselor, then do something different with the start of your day and go on to the next challenge within yourself that you may feel can better the situation and with a conversation change between you and spouse he can seek counseling to help matters along the way as he sees your progression but with both party’s involved however if nothing is done the situation will only progress to the negative.A part time job would be beneficial in many ways as you progress and you can work around it, My thoughts, good living.! Carmen

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