Fighting With Depression

Dear Sara,

I am getting really depressed. I have four-year-old twins who are into everything all of the time and my husband’s job keeps him on the road a lot. He goes to places that sound fun and exciting and I can’t go. My house is a mess because I am too tired to clean it. If I complain I get no sympathy at all and all of my friends that I used to hang out with have jobs. I used to be a fun person. How can I get out of this trap?
-Darlene




Dear Darlene,

You sound like you are seriously depressed and nobody is listening to you. It’s up to you to change things. Probably the first thing to do is to see your doctor. She may want to prescribe an antidepressant just to get you out of this black hole you seem to be in. You may want to talk to a therapist so that you will have someone to talk to who can help you figure out some options.

You didn’t really say what you wanted. Is it really important to you to stay home with your twins? Maybe you need a babysitter or daycare for them a few days a week so that you can have a break. Do you want to go back to work so that you can be with adults more? It would probably be difficult with your husband gone so much but your mental health is important.

Apparently you’ve discussed some of these things with your husband and others and have gotten no support. This means that you will have to decide on your own what will work for you. Don’t let this depression go on. Take some steps to get some help.

Good luck.
-Sara

Comments

  1. Getting the right kind of exercise and food is key. Get out and do something fun with those twins! Go for a hike! Take up gardening! I hope you won’t turn to some “medication” before you try other options. Read some self help books, join a gym, be proactive with your health! You and your hubby need to make some time for yourselves, and you should reach out to him and let him know your frustrations, if you haven’t already.
    and love those little ones, they’ll be grown up before you know it! All the best to you!

  2. Tell your husband you need more help with the kids, simple as that, and “Can we afford it?” Parenting even just one child is a lot of responsibility, so I can only imagine how hard it is with two and doing it yourself most of the time! Yikes! If you can find a “moms network” of some kind (who knows, there might even be a “moms of twins” network), either on-line, or a referral through your doctor’s office or, they will probably have some good tips and advice. Don’t complain, no one wants to hear it. It’s up to you to find a solution to your dilemma. If you can afford a part-time nanny to help out, not one that lives with you but comes in and helps during the week for 2 or 3 days, do it! My daughter in California pays someone to come in and help her for $15 a hr. a couple of days a week for 2-3 hrs. It helps! Mom’s need breaks, and Hillary Clinton got it right when she said “It takes a village.”

  3. I struggled with depression when my kiddos were 4 and 2. As I was hitting a wall, I finally had to go to a doctor. A physical will help determine if you have an under active thyroid which mimics depression symptoms. Or you may need some medication for a period of time. I was diagnosed with depression, did take some prescription medicine, but also changed my eating habits, (I already was exercising …very important), and then, yes, made some other very important decisions in order to manage motherhood. Please look into local church programs , they are typically inexpensive and provide much needed relief!!! I found a mom’s program (mom’s offering mom’s support) met once a month, childcare was free, offered Fellowship . Also look for Mom’s Day Out Programs. One church offered 3 hours a babysitting weekly for $30 A MONTH! Now that is inexpensive! Look around! Both of these programs were not available at the church I attended, but were offered at other local churches.
    Will be praying for you! Hope this helps!

  4. Dear Darlene,
    You are still a fun person but have more than a full time job taking care of twins! Taking care of one or more children and maintaining a home is more than a 40 hour work week, more like a 168 hour work week.
    When I was a teenager, I often babysat for my twin nieces, so my brother and his lovely wife could go out for dinner, or dancing, or both. I think that is why my sister-in-law and I are still good friends 50 years later!
    When my daughter was born, we were blessed to have my parents around the corner down the street. They were happy to take care of her so we could have time out. My daughter has great memories of time with her grandparents.
    Our babysitter/nanny still keeps in touch.
    One of my favorite memories is spending time with my grandfather on Sunday afternoons.
    If you do not have family living close to you, find someone you can trust . Only in California or New York will it cost you $15/hour. In the real world, it is much less.
    Please take care of yourself. There is nothing wrong with asking for help.
    We all need that support, especially those of us who have had post-partum depression.
    If you are taking birth control hormones, please stop. If you have an implant, under the skin, or an iud please have it removed. If you are getting depo-provera shots, please don’t ever get it again.
    The most common side effect of these artificial hormones is depression.
    For help with keeping up with your house, check out flylady.net.
    Feel free to keep in touch.
    Anne

  5. CharlesWilliamMorganJr says:

    Darlene, make sure you have plenty of reading material for the twins and read to them often. Work your husband in on this routine when he is home. Do your best to get away with your husband alone at least once monthly. Have plenty of patience and remember that time flies! We are in our 70s now and our daughters in their 40s. How we wish we could go back to the time when they were under age 10! We enjoyed every minute of the time we had with them at that age, and although they did not marry until after age 25, it seems like we had them for only a few minutes. Think of the future and enjoy the time you have with them now!

  6. Look for a preschool program to give yourself some time to exercize and stay organized and your twins somewhere they can burn off some energy. I’d also get a housekeeper to come in twice a month to do the deep cleaning you don’t have time to tackle. Right now, it seems like this season of life will never end, but it will and you will look back on this time with better memories than you’d think. Most husbands realize that they enjoy the physical freedom of work and travel that you don’t because of your job…so make an agreement that you will get the financial freedom necessary to make your life manageable. Your family needs you so take care of you!

  7. I have no web site but I want to let Sara know I am right there.. I am older now but I had 3 boys that kept me warn out I got up tired and went to bed tired I had one that didnt even take a nap so I had real problems.. Hang in there get help, try anything and everything but medicine until there is not anything left. I could tell you horror storys of things my boys did but I wont. I also raised a grandson that had Asperger syndrome and before we found that out he was really mean and domineering into everything, defiant, but, there was a lot of love in him also for the people that needed help.. well the school decided he needed Medicines and the medicines really caused problems for him at one time they had him on 9 medicines, every new medicine he got I told the school to watch him. they didnt. The school was small and they didn’t have a nurse to give him his medicines so he didn’t get them at lunch time but they told me he did, I went and looked and the medicines were still locked in vault but Guess whos fault that was. Just know you may not hear from people you may not ever meet people that are with you but there are people out there.. I am one.

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