Failing Marriage

Dear Sara,

My wife and I have three kids ages five, seven and nine, but no marriage. She puts the kids first and they seem to be always around even in our bed at night which really limits our sex life. When we do have sex she doesn’t seem to enjoy it. When she has a problem she is more apt to discuss it with her sister than me. She takes care of all the bills and I am left out of financial decisions. I feel like I am not a real part of our marriage anymore. I want to change this but I don’t know how. Where do I start?

Dear Don,

The relationship that you describe is not a healthy example for your three children. In order to grow up with a healthy attitude toward marriage and family, they need to see two parents who love and care about each other. If your wife always puts them first it will be difficult for them to leave home as they will be too dependent on her.

You could start by having a date night once a week. Get a babysitter and do something that you both enjoy. Your children may be unhappy that you are leaving them behind but they need to begin to get used to being without their mother. Once they get used to you and their mother being away for a short time you could plan a weekend vacation.
Try to let your wife know how left out you feel. She needs to understand that her children need a healthy marriage as a model for their own lives and that you need to feel like an equal partner in your marriage.

If you can’t manage to communicate your feelings to her then you probably need to see a marriage counselor. If you are really unhappy your marriage may not last.


  1. Rgr Lms says:

    If you want her to learn to love you rather than see you as a business partner, maybe a commitment would do. That Would be an example to your wife AND kids!!! and society. What all do you talk about before, during, and after sexual contact?!!?!? As I figured. No much!!!

    • Also, get ready to pay and pay and pay. You do not stand a chance in family court of getting full custody nor will shared custody seem shared. Good luck. You are going to need it.

  2. Ron cash says:

    Rgr: You have taken alot for granted. You should maybe find out more facts rather than spew about your own experiences.

  3. I interpreted his statement that ‘no marriage’ meant that there is no longer anything resembling a marriage, not that they werent married. Not really knowing, however, give him some benefit.

    I have, also, seen where a woman I know was very insecure with her very neglectful husband, so she latched onto their son, making him extremely dependent on her, because of her not wanting to be alone all the time. Now, the son is 30-something; is entirely dependent on her; has a college degree (online), but never had a job; has no real social skills, other than being with the mom; and is waiting for the world to accommodate him. Now, she is rather resentful that he takes up her time. You reap what you sow. She created a monster, now the monster consumes her. Don, I doubt that you would want that unhealthy result for your wife, or your kids. Your kids may need as much of a break as she does.

    Don, communication and sensible moderation may be in order here, but try to see yourself as she sees you. Is there some way you see that you can improve, or change? Maybe you can find an advocate (friend, mom, or in-law) who can give you guys a date break? If she is confiding in her sister, maybe you can make sure the sister knows how sincere you are in wanting your wife’s happiness. Ask for HER help in finding ideas to romance your wife again. If she wants your wife’s happiness, then she should be willing to help. Dont be too ready to give up, either. And a good Christian counselor wouldnt be a bad idea!

    Good luck!

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