Dear Sara, I have a pregnant stepdaughter…

Dear Sara,

I have  a pregnant stepdaughter, 20, who is due around the first week of Oct.  She moved in with us one year ago this past July and has caused nothing but trouble and drama for us.


No job, too lazy to get out of bed to work.  It’s a task for her to even get dressed for the day.  It was also the same before she was “preggo.”  The boyfriend she has also has no job, does drugs and has already been in rehab for drinking.  Oh my, oh my.

I am at my wits end and so is her Dad.  We have a little boy(7) and I feel she is jealous of “our little family.”  It’s almost like she is jealous of him and us being happy together.

Her Dad works away 6 weeks at a time, then he is home for 12 days, then has to go again for another 6 weeks etc.  He is at the point that when he gets back, he is putting her into an apartment, even if he has to pay for it himself.  It’s really that bad.  Her Mom is in another province, divorced from her second husband and living with a guy approximately 15 years younger than her. That’s why the daughter had moved in with us in the first place.

I feel that putting her into an apartment (she’s on income support) would make everyone happier and at peace.  She’s a very difficult person to get along with.  No matter what you do for her, it’s not good enough.  Almost like the world owes her something.  She cares about no one but herself Just last week, she caused a big fight within the family to the point  I almost took our son and moved out.

It’s really that bad!  Any advice?

Polly

Dear Polly,
I can see at least three problems here.  The first is that your husband isn’t around to deal with his daughter’s problems. This leaves it up to you and you probably don’t have much authority over his daughter. The second problem is that your stepdaughter is either very immature or is on drugs along with her boyfriend. The third thing is that if you help her out financially, then she might turn around and give money to her boyfriend for drugs.

You and your husband seem to agree that she needs to move out.  This might be a good idea since she seems way too dependent on having someone else take care of her.  It would probably be best if you moved her out before the baby gets here. She may not be much help now in moving but she will be less help if she has a baby to contend with as well.

Maybe your husband could sit down with his daughter and help her do a budget so that he can see exactly how much money she will need.  It’s possible that any extra could go to boyfriend’s drug habit. You want her to be as independent as possible without being an enabler to her or boyfriend’s drug use.

If she stays in your home after the baby is born, you may end up taking care of the baby.  It’s really easy to get attached to a sweet little baby and then your stepdaughter would be able to manipulate you by taking the baby away.  She needs to be on her own and independent now ,anyway.

It appears that she has taken advantage of you and made problems in your family but try not to abandon her totally. She still needs someone to care about her and watch over her and the baby.  She might appreciate being invited over for dinner once a week or so or having someone with experience help her out with the baby for a while.  You could be a blessing and a role model in her life for a while. Good luck.

Sara

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