Absent Husband

Dear Sara,

My husband and I have been married for ten years. We have three kids ages three to nine. Two years ago he was offered a job that paid way more money but he has to travel overseas. Sometimes we get to talk on the phone but I really don’t feel like I have a husband anymore and the kids are basically growing up without a father. His brother is one of those guys who knows how to fix anything and he comes over a lot to help out and often stays for dinner. The kids like him a lot and they enjoy it when he plays with them. I am very attracted to him and I think he feels the same way. Nothing has happened so far. This could be a big mess. What can I do?

Dear Nicole,

It sounds like you know better than to let something like this happen. The main problem is that you are lonely and having your husband’s brother there helps keep you from feeling this way. Your husband needs to know how you feel. He may end up having to choose between his lucrative job and his family. This is a lot to ask of him but his absences are too hard on you and your kids. Explain to him how your relationship is deteriorating and that your kids need for him to be in their life. This is important to you so make sure he knows how you feel.


  1. She is a selfish person. While her husband is out making good money she’s complaining. Look I was married to a Navy man. He spent 3 months over seas and 3 months in the states. We wives knew and understood. When his time was up being on a ship he joined Naval Intelligence. After 10 years of marriage and 2 son’s he was killed. I would give anything for him to be back on the ship and alive. Tell that ungreatful woman to suck it him and hire someone to fix whatever. She is cheating in her mind.

  2. Might I add: I don’t think she should mention how she feels about her brother-in-law to her husband! I’ve seen this destroy families and cause a HUGE riff. Meanwhile, she’s drifting into some dangerous waters. If she wants to keep her marriage she needs to curtail the fix-it jobs and dinners! Think how hard this could be on the kids if the marriage ended. Always remember, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side!!!

  3. kathleen griffin says:

    She is malicious ,stupid and is in the right state,California. Broke and liberal with their great
    sanctuary that only fuel poverty!!!!! These people are fucked! go for crazy Maxie P!!!!!!

  4. Gé van Gasteren says:

    Mel: I think Sara deliberately left out more detail, because all depends on what happens during Nicole’s talk with her husband about the situation. Sara just gave her this one task, because it will start the process.
    Actually I sense in Nicole’s letter that she has kind of decided for the brother and that her heart is “a big mess” already. She doesn’t mention if the brother is married; hopefully not…

  5. Bring all your thoughts to the feet of Him who can handle all and everything. HE WILL FIX IT.AND YOU WILL PRAISE HIM. JESUS CHRIST. our burden bearer.

  6. I feel sorry for her. I also feel so sorry for Cindy who lost her husband. It’s really hard be with your husband for years an his brother being helpful was part of his good character, but coming over for dinner and playing w the kids makes him very attractive and he maybe attracted to her, but maybe not. So I feel sorry her but she should tell husband she needs him and Kids need him to come home. I doult he feels the money is more important, but he if does then. You got a problem to solve or big decision to make

  7. Oh Nicole, you have no idea how blessed you are. You have the best of everything and you are about to screw up royally. Sit yourself down and consider what life would be like if you mess around with the brother in law, loose the husband, and then loose the brother in law too, because guilt does not a good partner make. Pull your head out of your poor me rear end and buck up Lady. Believe me, raising kids alone is no fun life. Get tough on yourself and give thanks for a good man who is willing to go to work to take care of his family, and the fact that he has a brother willing to step in to help you out- my lord how freaky lucky are you. Kick the hormones to the curb sister before you destroy not only your life but your children’s also. I would say nothing to the husband besides “I love and miss you so much” and to the brother in law “We are so lucky to have an Uncle who looks out and cares for us while our Daddy is gone. Thank you” If he isn’t already a good husband and father ( Just like your husband, his brother) he will someday be, and you don’t need any drama in the future with your Sister in Law.

  8. Nicole…. don’t listen to anyone’s ridiculous bitching. I’m very sorry Cindy lost her husband but this does not give her the right to blast you over your problems. OK, so you know what you’re (potentially) doing is wrong and immoral but at least you have the deceny to reach for help before anything has happened (and hopefully it STILL hasn’t happened !!) Believe me, the grass really IS NOT greener on the other side. You might think so for a while, but then realise that it just wasn’t worth the hassle in relation to the absolute furore that would have happened. (I do hope nothing has happened to date)
    I was in a very similar situation…. husband gone away for work and I ended up living a single life. I cheated with another person (through shear loneliness) and the absolute hideous situation that followed is nothing worse than Hell. I wished I could have turned back time knowing the horrific situation I’d caused, but of course nothing could be done. I realised 100% that this was most certainly not the way it should have been. I was just so silly and rosy-eyed and had no consequence of the hurt I was causing. I massively regret the whole episode and even now…… 10 years on….. I still feel the guilt and shame. But I guess this is Karma and I have to “lie in the bed I made for myself”
    If you are able to Nicole, please do not do this. I know this is so much easier to say than to do…. but please just think for a moment… and know that this will such a horrific situation for all involved. I mean your kids, the husband, the brother/Uncle, your in-laws, your own parents…. everyone will be affected and you will be the one who is classed as the “aggressor”, the slut, the homewrecker, you name it, you will be called everything under the sun. You must talk to your husband and do your best to bring him home…. money (that he is earning) does not buy you happiness. Look at where you are now…. you’re lonely and you need stability and your husband. If, in the end…. that you and your husband do end up splitting up, make sure the cause is not for his brother. Best of luck to you, Nicole.

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