21-Year-Old Daughter Needs A Reality Check

Dear Sara,

My daughter is twenty one and still lives at home. She thinks of herself as independent since she has a job but she doesn’t pay rent, eats her meals here and doesn’t do her own laundry. I want her to keep decent hours and let me know when she will be here or not. She said she would like her privacy and that I shouldn’t ask questions. Who is right here?


Dear Mona,

You are both right. At twenty one your daughter should be independent. You should expect her to pay rent, buy her own food and do her own laundry. If she is disrespectful to you then she should move out and find her own place. This would give her plenty of privacy. She needs a reality check. If she wants to be independent then she has to act like it.



  1. HOWARD PARKER says:

    You gave Mona the correct advice. Mona sounds like she will have difficulty following your advice. Therapy, psychoanalytic, would be good for both. I am fairly certain Mona’s need for her daughter’s love will get in the way of her letting go. Her 21 year old has a good grasp of that need and uses it well. The excuses to follow your advice to this parent will greatly comprise the needed action….psychoanalytic treatment for both.

  2. Jimmy Carroll says:

    Your daughter needs her butt kicked and kicked out of her self serving attitude before she learns the hard way. Spare the rod and ruin your stupid ungrateful idiot child or let her have her freedom be kicking her butt out of the house so she can how to pay her way through the reality of life. Don’t you known that this your fault, kick the creep out, so she will learn things of life that you aren’t teaching her before it’s too late.

  3. The next PB & J hold out your hand ,,,,,,,,,,,,and ask for a 5’er.. IF she refuses,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, change the locks!!

  4. Explain to her, with independence comes responsibility. As an adult a person needs to pay rent, clean up after themselves and pay bills. With besides rent means utilities and groceries. Showing respect to her landlords by keeping decent hours and obeying rules.
    When she does leave home she will find things in life more difficult. Right now there is no stress of actually saving and putting emergency savings aside. You are her back up.

  5. As long as she lives under your roof she has to go by your rules.

  6. Bring your daughter to the Marine recruiter’s office

  7. Bob Meyer says:

    Terminus gets rid of parasites

  8. My daughter and granddaughter live with my wife and I. Daughter will be 48 granddaughter is 20. Out of respect my daughter cares for my wife and I she cooks cleans does laundry etc in turn her and our granddaughter live rent free but show respect by informing us when where they will be and if they will not be coming home or will be late .Maybe your daughter needs to learn to appreciate what she has and respect you. The little information you ask may be an inconvenience to her or she may think you are prying into her life but the information could save her life someday or at the least make you feel at ease .If you live in my house respect me and I will do the same.

  9. The parent is right. However, it’s all the parents fault for raising such a self centered and ungrateful child.

  10. this family needs some of Gods greatest gift, the gift of LOVE IT;S FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. Obamacare treats her like a baby. She can be on her parents teat (health care) until she is 26? How is that for screwing up the family and encouraging young people to make it on their own? Of course the goal is to keep them dependent on their parents as long as possible and then dependent on the government because they don’t know how to take care of themselves.

  12. Mother is always right, my mom said when I smarted off at her at age about 6. No discussion ever followed regarding this, and she died when I was 75!

  13. This 21 year old child is acting like a 12 year old, maybe she needs a small lesson. If she won’t do her own clothes ,pull them out of the pile and toss them back in to her “private room”.
    If she does not let you know if she will be home for dinner, just do NOT save her any food. Put a note on your refig that says, PAY FOR WHAT YOU EAT!! Since you want to be independent start acting like a grown up . STICK TO YOUR RULES, SHE OBEYS OR SHE SAYS GOOD BYE.

  14. I tread some of the responses, I am sorry you have a right to know who she is out with and when she is coming home, I made mistakes with my daughter that I wish I could take back as a mom to another mom you are right don’t let her walk all over you. With the biggest drug problem in this country you have a right to know who she is with and where she is going Period!


  15. Good advice! It’s time for the little snowflake to grow up be responsible.

  16. robert dasenbrock says:

    just keep put her dirty laundry in her room. you will have to be tough and not do it. if she still does not do it .put in trash bags and leave in her room..if than not done .carry to curb. once this battle is done the rest will come easy.

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